The Ostrich-man

The biggest contradiction in my life is that I think too much about doing things instead of actually doing things. Basically, I am a chronic procrastinator. As Dostoevsky said, "For [the straightforward people] a wall is not an evasion, as for example for us people who think and consequently do nothing; it is an excuse for turning aside, an excuse for which our kind is always very glad, though we scarcely believe in it ourselves, usually." When I read that sentence, I was reminded of the way that I agonize over my assignments and pretend like they don't exist until the last minute, when the built-up stress bursts out from inside to make me work in a frenzy – until exhaustion. Of course, I know that this strategy is the worst way I could approach my work (besides not approaching it at all), because it forces me to rush through it with a sleep-deprived, unhealthy mind; nevertheless, I continue to do it, because I find a deep satisfaction in the moment at which I can finally take a deep breath and relax. No, I don't really relax when I do this, because I often only have a few sparing hours to sleep. In fact, I seem to even rush myself into sleep, because my exhaustion and fatigue is too much to withstand. 

Imagine a person who wants to survive in the world and make himself happy with his accomplishments, but ignores all the tasks at hand until he is weary and cannot complete them to the best of his ability. He hides from his responsibilities so much that he may well be an ostrich hiding from a predator with its head in the dirt – except not even ostriches are that stupid (that is a common misconception brought about by the birds' relatively small heads that seem to disappear when they pick at the ground). Anyhow, for the sake of this analogy, the ostrich-man ignores the predator and keeps its head in the ground until it is right next to him. When the predator is about to gobble it up, the ostrich-man finally decides that it wants to stay alive, so it runs for dear life. I am a terribly irresponsible person, putting off everything until the last minute, but at the same time, I wish to accomplish all the tasks that are expected of me. Am I a responsible person or am I an irresponsible person? I think I'm still figuring that out (hopefully I'm becoming a more responsible person), but it seems like the ostrich-man is starting to realize that it's much easier to get rid of the threat before it gets too close. 

This one contradiction has ruled my life for as long as I can remember (which isn't very long because I am only fifteen). I had been able to get through life with no significant problems for the first few years, so I never gave it much thought. I justified it as simply ADD, or an over-active imagination, because my dad also has very jumpy trains of thought; but now that high school is ramping up, I realize that I can't justify it anymore if I want to survive. This year, by trying (key word: trying) to maintain a more regular sleep schedule and eating more healthily, I've somewhat alleviated this contradiction of wanting to do well, but not working enough for it. However, I still have plenty of room to grow (I think that last sentence is my new way of justifying my problem...)